In love with wanting to be in love.

My biggest fear in life is never getting married and having children. I have dreamt of being a mother ever since I was old enough to remember. I played "mommy" with every doll, barbie and cousin I could get my hands on. Since the age of 7, I always said I wanted to be married by the time I was 25 and already be pregnant with my first child by then.

I've only had one serious relationship in my entire life. I literally contemplated suicide when it ended. I thought that was my only chance at my happy ending. But, was I truly in love? Was love being held down being told no one else could love me? Was love being told what to wear and who to speak to? Was love being smacked and pushed around? Was love being told I'm stupid? Was love arguing and fighting until you cried so hard you had to be taken to the hospital for asthma and anxiety? Was love fighting while drunk and almost crashing while driving because he said he couldn't live without you? I guess I thought if the person went through all of that it was because they really did love me. I still have issues trying to understand why I allowed myself to go through all of that for so many years.

I seriously don't know what love means anymore. I always had a picture of it, but it was always this perfect thing that I knew could only exist in my thoughts, dreams, and imagination. There is no such thing as perfect. I always thought I could change it or him.

I'm 2 years away from 30 and have not had a relationship since the disgusting mess I described above. I've been dating and with guys that say all the right things, but obviously don't mean any of it. Still, it's good to hear every now and then. Just sucks that they say it to every other person with a vagina within a 5 centimeter distance from them. Stupid boys.

I'm waiting, for a sign, something. God, if you truly love me, you know I have so much love to give. Just let me have someone who deserves it and can give it to me in return. Without the physical, verbal, and mental abuse. Oh, and if he isn't a man whore, that would be an awesome bonus. PS I guess if I don't want a man whore, I should ask to please keep boys in bands away from me. Thanks.

Suck it 2010. Wut up 2011.

Hola people or whoever takes the time to read this or even come across it. Haven't really sat at labtop and let my thoughts out via my fingers and this place. Well, the first month of the new year is coming to an end soon. What's been up? Well, I got a new job! Nothing glamorous or exciting. I'm a hostess at the restaurant that was created and owned by Justin Timberlake. It's called Southern Hospitality. It's so casual and laidback. I get to be in jeans the entire time which is a huge difference from my 5th avenue, short dresses, high heels, stuck up annoying rich people restaurant I was at for 4 freaking years. You're probably wondering why the hell can't I get a "real job". Been there, done that, no thanks. I'm not cut out for that 9 to 5 thing anymore. Besides with an acting degree and acting being the only thing i've ever studied since elementary school, there's not a lot of options. Plus, the new year has brought me an agency that has decided to represent me. Oh yeah, forgot to mention that part. During the pageant season last fall I met this guy who runs a company called MMG and he signed me. They've been doing a good job at sending me out to auditions and stuff so I need my days completely free in case something comes up. Hence needing to work nights, here come's in why my new job is oh so perfect. What else? I cut a lot, I mean a lot of people out of my life and for good reason. My bestfriend of 10 years! A few others. The best thing my mother has ever said to me is "treat people the way you would want to be treated". And when my so call friends don't that and just continue to do the opposite, a girl can only take so much. I'm tired of being hurt, i'm tired of feeling sad, depressed, unappreciated and just taken for granted and treated like for lack of better words, just complete shit by people that I care so deeply for, yet, they could careless about me. Sorry, you're not worth my time or tears. Done and over. Let's see, anything else I may be forgetting? Don't think so. Guess it isn't important or would I have written about it. Peace out for now folks.

2AM Club - Let Me Down Easy

Words cannot even come close in expressing how much I love and how proud i'am of these boys!

Pageant season is off and running!

I'm back from my weekend in Albany where I had the opportunity to judge Miss New York Teen USA 2011. It was definitely a weird yet interesting experience to be on the other side of things. A bit difficult at times. The last time New York came close to the Miss Teen USA title was back in 2001 when I was first runner up! :)

I tried to choose the girl I felt could not only handle the title but use it to her advantage and represent New York in a way where everyone would take notice and realize she is the epitome of Miss Teen USA. I'm very pleased with the young lady we chose.

As for the Miss, a natural beauty, sweet as pie. Originally from Texas, but we'll forgive her, lol. She rally does love New York and will represent us well at Miss USA this spring.

Being in this environment made me realize how much I not only loved competing, but how much I miss it. If I had the chance to do it all over again, I would without hesitation. I would change a few things here and there. But at the end of the day, I can't go back in time and need to be content with the fact I did something not many women can say.

They say a father has a better chance of his son winning the superbowl than having his daughter compete at Miss USA. So, dad, I hope you're proud of me ;)

MUO!

If it wasn't for my sarcastic attitude and a dare over 10 years ago, I never would have more than half of the friends I do now.

Competing within the Miss Universe Organization changed my life in a way I cannot even explain. The biggest change was the beautiful, amazing girls I have in my life. Those I had the honor of competing against and those who I simply met just because they competed within the system.

It's been 10 years since I competed at Miss Teen USA (2001) and finished as first runner-up. No other Miss New York has come even close to the title. And although unplaced at Miss USA, I still made history by being the first Latina (Puerto Rican to WIN BOTH the Teen and Miss titles) It's a beautiful feeling that when people have to think of who was the last one, it's my name that comes out of their mouth. I never get tired of also hearing that it should have been me who should have won. Ha.

It's been 4 years since I won the Miss New York USA title, hard to believe. I look st photos and videos and still am not able to remember the feeling. Because 4 years later and I'm still in shock.

Although no longer competing, I now judge and it's odd being on the other side of things, but it's also pretty awesome to be a part of changing someones life. Last year I had the opportunity to judge Miss Connecticut Teen USA and now this Thanksgiving weekend, I get to judge Miss New York Teen USA. I'm headed back to the exact same place my life was changed 10 years ago to do the same to one very lucky girl.

And now, for some more interesting and amazing news. One of the lovely ladies I had the chance of meeting several years ago because of our Miss Teen USA history is now headed to Miss USA! Brittany Toll Miss New Mexico Teen USA 2005 and Top 10 at Miss Teen USA 2005 is now headed to Miss USA 2011! I simply cannot wait to cheer her on at nationals next year with the lovely Miss Rachel Woolard, Miss Missouri Teen USA 2005 and Miss Congeniality at Miss Teen USA! Along with some other of my pageant sisters! Get ready ladies!

Australia, Spader, Yes!

I'm happy to announce that I'm now a model for Spader Clothing in Australia. All thanks to Marc Griffin of 2AM Club.

I've had the opportunity of meeting many of Marc's family and friends in the last year and one of them happened to be James Rush. Radio DJ and owner of Spader Clothing in Australia.

We exchanged information, have gone back and forth, and finally, was sent some gear, had a photo shoot set up, and boom! Check out the new pic above and more in the coming months.

Starting over.

I had about 10 blog posts on here from late last year (2009) until the middle of this year. They were all so annoying after re-reading them, that I've deleted them all and decided to start over. From now on I'm going to focus on the positive and put all of my energy and attention on good things and people.

So, here it is. The one thing in my life right now that has had me happy is music by my loves in 2AM Club and Mike Posner. Both special to me for many different reasons ;)

2AM Club's debut album "What Did You Think Was Going To Happen?" drops on September 14th! I of course already have my copy, autographed thank you very much! Haha.

Mike's album (31 Minutes To Takeoff) dropped last month and debut at #8 on billboard! So proud of him! His tour "Up In The Air" kicks off on September 14th in California and my homies 2AM Club are just one of his opening acts! It's going to be an insane tour! And you obviously can catch me at the show and the merch table before and after. So, don't be shy, come say hi and buy stuff!

I'm so beyond proud of these guys. My heart has never been happier. I love seeing my friends dreams come true and having good things happen to those who deserve it. Success is hard work that paid off, and they have definitely paid their dues. Especially Ian (2AM Club drummer) the member I've known the longest and the reason I even have this band and Mike in my life now. I love you all so much.

Congratulations! This is only the beginning! <3